We sit. We listen. We listen. We sit. The news. It came. And when it came….the world changed….. We sit. We listen. We listen. We sit. The rage. It came. And when it came….the world changed….. We sit. We listen. We listen. We sit. The fear. It came. And when it came….the world changed…. We sit. We listen. We listen. We sit. The tears. They came. And when they came….they came and they came and they came.
It’s 3am and I’m feeling a lot of gratitude right now as I sit in contemplation. There’s something quite special and exposing about night prayers. You don’t hide behind routine and responsibilities, It’s a very honest place. Me, God and the universe. I look back and I can see November 2016. I can see it stretched out behind me and still feel it’s uncertainty and fear. I’m grateful that I am in the present, a place 11 months on. A place of gratitude and hope. It’s a place of remission I so desperately wanted us to be in that day in November when my world changed. A place that I felt life had in that moment robbed us of our oblivious existence. A place where every day was ‘normal’ ‘You’ve got Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma low grade’ He sat and listened to the news. I watched him and the consultant as I silently mulled over the words and in that moment realised my husband hadn’t fully grasped the magnitude of what was being said to him, not really. I’d done my research when those lymph nodes made an appearance a month ago and recognised the terminology she was using instead of the ‘C word’. I was getting frustrated at why she wasn’t saying it. I waited and let her finish dropping the bomb shell on our lives and then patiently put her on the spot. You mean it’s Cancer? Lymphoma is a form of blood cancer..right? “We don’t like to use that word”, she replied. “We group it with cancer but not like the really serious ones as it behaves differently”. I wanted more than that, I wanted her to explain to me in detail what I was going to tell the children. I wanted answers to all the questions flying around in my head that would soon become their questions. I couldn’t carry back to them the medical jargon I had just been fed. She didn’t know. She couldn’t tell us stage or treatment. We had to wait for further tests. We walked back out of the hospital and back into our world, a very different world to the one I woke up in that morning. A million thoughts running through my mind and him not quite there on the same page as me, as the penny still hadn’t quite dropped yet.